I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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