too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
