when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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