My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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