tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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