your thong is hanging out like whoa
My friends, they love my intelligence
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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