Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
