I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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