I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
