trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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