Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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