I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
