Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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