I accidentally burped into my bong.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
