i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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