I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
