p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
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