I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
