i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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