my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
