god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
