So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
