Dude my mom stole all your condoms
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
