I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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