So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
