I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
