he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
