Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
