It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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