I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
