i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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