you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
