Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
