May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
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Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
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I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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