if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
