I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
