I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
