sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
