i think i have herpe
just one?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
