she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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