Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
