i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She made me pour olive oil on her.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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