you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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