i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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