We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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