if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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