Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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