It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
