Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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