I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
