Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
