we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
