Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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