I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
