shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
