Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
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I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
tell me about the eggs
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