I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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