I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
