i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
