I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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