How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
